Sleeping Fat Beauty
by xXxShiningDarknessxXx
Summary: A Birthday fic for Eric Cartman. Parody of sleeping beauty. Pro-Kyman. Many other parings. Cartman gets kissed a lot. Pre-slash.


**AN: Something quick for Cartman's birthday. I... have no clue about this one. It's kinda short. Anyway, happy birthday Eric Cartman! Hope you guys enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own South Park. **

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Sleeping Fat Beauty

Liane starred down at her child in her arms with an increasingly heavy heart. How had this happened? She closed her eyes, remembering the old women and her words.

"You have ruined my boys future. He was going to be big, an athlete among athlete's, but now he has you and your devil spawn tainting his path. In payment, your son will pay with his life. On his tenth birthday, he will go into a deep sleep, an unbreakable slumber. He will not wake up. You have yourself to blame."

Liane chocked on a sob, tightening her hold on her son. There was no way she was letting that happen.

* * *

Nine years and eleven month's later

"Mam, stop it! It's not kewl." Cartman cried, bating away his mothers persistent hands.

His mother hesitated, worried frown on her face and looking tense. Cartman wasn't sure why she was acting this way. It didn't make any sense. It was only his birthday, not anything dangerous. She really had nothing to worry about.

Liane wrung a careful hand through her sons hair, closing her eyes. She ignored his annoyed gaze and equally annoyed huff.

"Poopsykins, mommy love's you, I hope you know that." She whispered, voice wavering. She looked close to tears.

Cartman's eyebrows came together in confusion.

"I'm turning ten, mam, I'm not twenty-two or something and leaving you and the house forever. _You _know that, right?" He asked, suspicious.

Liane laughed, lightly, shaking her head and pulling away. She wiped away imaginary lint off her clothes, nervously.

"You're right, of course. Do have a good time, dear." She forced a smile.

Cartman eyed her for a few more seconds, but nodded, grinning.

"Thanks, mam!"

Leaving, he missed his mother's worried and fearful look.

* * *

It all happened before anyone understood what was happening. They all sat around a table at Casa Bonita, staring expectantly as Cartman moved to blow out the ten candle's on his cake, making a wish.

As soon as the last candle was out and everyone was cheering and clapping, Cartman frowned and blinked, confused and swaying slightly. He fell backward in his chair, the noise of it silencing the guest's.

"Eric!" Liane screamed, horrified.

"He's not moving." Butters said, concerned and shaking Cartman's shoulder.

"What happened? Did anyone see?" Stan asked, looking at the other children, who shook their heads.

"Probably just fainted from staying up all night waiting for his birthday." Kyle drawled, rolling his eyes.

The sob from Liane caused the children to glance in her direction.

She was shaking her head, slowly sinking to the floor.

"No, no, he's... he's not going to wake. My baby's gone. I lost him." She sobbed, hands covering her face.

The kids stared at each other, confused.

Wendy came toward her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

Liane looked up.

"Um, maybe you can start from the beginning, Mrs Cartman? We don't understand."

Liane closed her eyes and nodded.

"Right. Right, of course. I should have told someone sooner, maybe they could have done something? Oh, I'm just horrible. I'm a terrible mother!"

"No, you're not, Mrs Cartman! Please tell us what's wrong." Butters exclaimed, worried.

Liane took a deep breath.

"Well, it happened a long time ago. Eric's father, as you know, was a football athlete. His mother, his _demon _of a mother, was not all that happy about her sons affair and cursed Eric to a life of internal sleep on his tenth birthday. How she did it, I'm not sure. I'm surprised she didn't just give it to him early after Eric murdered her son. Would have been the same conclusion either way." She said, bitterly.

The children stayed silent after this confession. None seemed to know what to say. Until...

"Is it just me, or does that sound a whole lot like sleeping beauty?" Kenny blurted out.

Liane looked up and shook her head.

"No, there's no way to wake him. Sleeping beauty always wakes up." She sighed, sadly, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"How do you know? Just because she said there wasn't any, doesn't mean it can't work. She could have lied!" Wendy said.

"You're not saying what I think you're saying?" Stan asked.

"Stan! This is your friend. Sure, he's an asshole, but not even he deserves internal sleep. It's worth a try!"

The other kids cleared their throat and scuffed their shoes against the tiled floor, not looking at her.

"Um, I think I hear my mother calling. Must be time to go home! Um, bye!" Clyde called over his shoulder, many others leaving the room and following after him.

Wendy glared.

"Well, fine, _fuck you_! We'll just figure this out on are own! Plus, your mother's dead, Clyde! Nice excuse!"

There was no answer. The only sound was Wendy breathing heavily.

Forcing a smile, she turned to look at the remaining children, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Butters and Bebe (who would feel like the worst best friend _ever_ if she had just left Wendy here). Liane looked between the remaining children with a thankful and tearful look.

"Oh, my son has just the most amazing and thoughtful friends! Thank you so much!"

Liane left to give them more space and the six children stared at the boy laying on the floor, chair arm digging into his back.

"So, what do we do? The asshole's motionless." Stan stated.

Wendy looked determined.

"We each kiss him. It's the only way." She had her fist in the air as she said this.

The five other children took one big step back.

Wendy rolled her eyes.

"Fine, I'll go first."

Getting to her knee's, Wendy stared at Cartman's blank face and turned pink. Knowing the others eyes were on her, Wendy closed her eyes and took a deep breath before quickly leaning down and connecting her lips with Cartman's pale pink ones.

Nothing happened.

Wendy slowly leaned away, eyeing the prone form and sighed.

She glanced at the others and brushed the hair out of her eyes, shyly.

"Who's next?"

Kenny raised his hand in the air, waving it around, wildly.

"Ooo, my turn! I always wondered what it would be like to kiss a boy, might as well try now!" He said, cheerfully.

Wendy shrugged and got out of the way, standing up and to the side. Kenny took her place and eagerly pressed his lips without hesitation to Cartman's.

Again, nothing happened.

Kenny pulled back and laughed.

"Hmm, not so bad! Any takers?" He asked, wiggling his eyebrows at Bebe and the three other boys.

After a few seconds of thought, Butters steeped forward.

"W-well, I guess I'll go. For Eric's sake."

Kenny smiled and nodded, standing up.

Butters sat beside Cartman and paused, staring thoughtfully.

"Here you go, little buddy."

He pressed his lips softly against Cartman's.

For the third time, nothing happened.

Butters pulled back, looking sad.

He sighed.

"Poor Eric."

Bebe put a hand on his shoulder and he looked up.

She smiled at him.

"I'll go."

Butters stood and Bebe crouched down, placing a hand on Cartman's cheek.

"You're a lot cuter when you're silent."

She kissed him silently and pulled back seconds later, still smiling.

"I knew it wouldn't be me." She shrugged, unconcerned.

Stan took one glance at Kyle before pinching the bridge of his nose. First, he had to watch his girlfriend kiss Cartman, now _he _had to kiss Cartman.

Stan slid to his knees, feeling sick. Before he had time to barf, he grabbed Cartman's chin and pulled his lips to his in a awkward kiss. He pulled away just as quickly.

Cartman didn't move.

Sighing in relief, Stan got up.

All five stared at Kyle, who was pointedly staring across the room, his fist's clenched.

"Kyle..." Stan started.

Kyle thew his hands into the air.

"God, _fine_, I'll kiss the fucking asshole! The fatass owes me one!" Kyle snapped, stomping forward and landing on his knees, grabbing Cartman's coat in his fists and pulling the boy up.

He stared at him for a few seconds with furrowed brows before pulling the heavier boy the last few inches and slamming their lips together.

Cartman woke instantly, pushing at Kyle's shoulders. He backed away, quickly.

"Eugh, what the fuck, Kahl? Why'd you do that for?" He spat, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.

Kyle let go of Cartman's coat, roughly and stood up.

"Saving your life, fatass. You're welcome."

Cartman opened his mouth to question him when he was suddenly engulfed in a bear hug by his mother, causing him to blush.

"Uh, _mam_, what have I said about touching? You're fucking embarrassing me!" He demanded.

"I can't believe it. You're save. You're back. Poopsykins, you're back!" She sobbed, pulling him even closer, if that was possible.

Cartman blinked in confusion, looking over his mother's shoulder at the group behind her.

"Does anyone want to tell me what happened? I'm fucking confused here."

He glared in frustration when the six children only laughed.

Crossing his arms, he huffed.

"Worst. Birthday. Ever."

* * *

**AN: Hope you guys liked it. Tell me in a review, please!**

**-xXxShiningDarknessxXx-**


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